by Janelle Jang
I had never really thought that I was a person who suppressed a lot of things in life or in auditing. However, being surrounded by a culture that is used to suppressing real thoughts for the good of the group, had in some way gotten to me without me even noticing! The Asian culture is all about suppressing your real thoughts and making sure that you are liked by the group at all costs, even though you may be miserable inside.
In any case, I had broken up with my boyfriend of almost two years and was just devastated. I tried to handle this in auditing, and I had good wins, but there was this part of me that just still felt so so sad, and I would get into this part of me that would just burst into tears before I went to bed.
I did this for a few days, and I really couldn’t put my finger on it. Why was I having wins, but then crying myself to sleep? It was SO FRUSTRATING! Was auditing not working for me? Why did I feel happy but sad at the same time? It’s a very weird feeling.
Anyway, my auditor and I, outside of session, talked about the purpose of auditing and who it’s really for.
He had told me that this is MY session, and no one else’s.
It was for MY benefit, not my auditors or anyone else’s.
Sometimes though, when someone is right in front of you, it’s hard to believe that it’s actually just for YOU because someone else is right there and they have to hear your thoughts (which normally I keep to myself!) Especially the thoughts that I don’t want anyone to know.
In a way, I thought my thoughts were very precious to me, and a part of me just wanted to keep that sadness there, and have no one else know about it, because it was my own personal thing –that was my reasoning anyway.
So one night I was waiting for my tears to kick in, and realized that, I was suppressing this! And I was fed up with myself and said, “THAT’S IT! I’M GOING TO ADDRESS THIS IN SESSION!”
It was a really eye opening experience for me because I didn’t even realize I was suppressing these thoughts.
It changed everything. Really, everything.
I am glad I had spotted what was happening, and told my auditor. And because I didn’t suppress my feelings/thoughts in session, I had a great win and slept peacefully (minus the tears).